That anger issue -demystified
I have so many calls and discussions with mums about their child’s ‘anger issue’ and thought it might be helpful to explain how anger starts and how it finishes its journey because this will, I hope, help you to pick it up before it manifests in your home as behaviour or shouting or probably both.
It is my belief that children don’t set out to be angry. They don’t wake up in the morning thinking about who they want to shout at. They need to feel loved and safe but they also need to be seen and heard. You are their main caregiver and it’s you they want first and foremost so it isn’t in their interests to make you angry with them ……unless they are feeling what we call ‘poor me’.
‘Poor me’ is the ‘victim’ position in the Drama Triangle which Dr Stephen Karpman writes about to explain the dynamics of conflict in relationships and it works so well to help explain for us how things can flare up so easily in families where altercations have a strong undercurrent of emotion, unlike a work situation.
When your child or teen feels not seen or not heard, they feel helpless, unloved (in that moment) and because it is crucial to their survival especially when they are young and can’t fend for themselves, they increase the volume and energy in order to be heard. This takes them from ‘victim’ into ‘persecutor’. They didn’t want to go there but they are frustrated and upset, emotional and desperate. They are not emotionally mature enough to realise that this will escalate the situation, and in the moment their amygdala is playing havoc with their cerebral cortex, so being reasonable has already gone out of the window.
So what can you do?
Ideally, notice at the ‘victim’ stage and ask them what they need. Avoid stepping into ‘rescuer’ and fixing it for them because they will just stay in ‘victim’ feeling they aren’t able to sort things out for themselves.
Another suggestion, probably after things have calmed down, is to use this Anger Onion exercise.
I think this also helps to show where anger comes from. It comes from fear. Fear of abandonment, not being good enough, not being loved - it will be different for each child and this is what you can work on with yours because it may have some from a much younger age, an event or memory in their life when they felt that thing which has just been triggered.
You can find out more from my latest book ‘Empower your kids!’ You’ll find it on Amazon or in my book shop on my website or in fact anywhere. Even order it from your local library.
You’ll find much more on my website including lots of free resources and book a free 30 minute consultation with me.