Parents are couples too

How you are with each other is informing your kids what is ok and what isn't

I work with parents both as parents and as a couple. By doing this, it often means that behaviour issues, anxiety, anger and low self esteem dissolve. I’ll explain what I mean.

For a child, particularly children under 12yrs, their parents are their rock, their base, their safe place. Whatever has happened at school, home is where they have unconditional love and where someone will listen without judgement.They are at the centre of their world and they have to be because unless the focus is on them, they are vulnerable because they rely on you for food and shelter, security and love. This is obviously greater, the younger they are.

When they see their parents argue and not see the argument resolved, they fear the worst. They know that parents split up, many friends at school will not have a mother and father living together. They do not want this to happen. So what do they do? They need to distract you from fighting each other and they turn the attention onto themselves, knowing intuitively that they are more important than you.

I have children tell me that they deliberately create distractions to take the focus to them when they see their parents are annoyed with each other. They may behave badly, pick a fight with a sibling, tell you they don’t feel well, they are being bullied at school, they don’t want to go into school and so on. This way, you are now focused on them and that way, you are united in wanting to help them.

The other thing that happens is that school work suffers, they can’t focus at school, they don’t care about their homework or tests, exams and so on because these things aren’t very important if they are worried that you will split up.

Don’t even think about telling them that everything is OK but they see through that and because they know you’re lying, they are even more convinced that it will happen.

During the pandemic when families were spending 24/7 together, whilst many really enjoyed this time, for many families it brought to the surface issues between parents that had been buried under the carpet, not dealt with, and managed by separation during the day for work. When forced to be under the same roof, with couples having to form a family bubble to ensure the children had access to both parents and the benefit of having two adults looking after the children, it meant that there was no escape. Children witnessed their parents’ relationship at close quarters and I saw many children and teens for issues around anger, anxiety and lots of digestive issues.

Christmas can be a bit like this. Couples spending more time than usual together, with maybe parents and parents-in-law, siblings, extended family and different parenting styles, values and beliefs.

Here are a few tips from the work I do with parents

1. There is no one right way of doing a thing. One of the NLP Presuppositions is ‘The person with the most flexibility controls the system’. By being open to other options you create more choices. Imagine only having two options, a right one and a wrong one, this or that, yes or no? It’s very limited isn’t it? Instead, consider, is there another way in which I can make this work?

2. Families often repeat patterns of behaviour, these become family traditions, creating strong memories but every Christmas, your child or teen is a year older, their needs change and they need to be involved in the planning so that they can be considered. Ask each member of your family

   • what is important to you this Christmas, what are your top three things you definitely want to have happen?

   • what worries or concerns do you have this Christmas? How can we do to help?

   • do you have any ideas for games or activities that would be fun to do?

   • anything you really don’t want to do?

3. Allow time apart. It’s unusual for families to be together all day in one or two rooms. Factor in some time for your kids and for yourselves to have some ‘time out’ maybe a nap or a walk, letting your kids and your partner have time on their own.

4. Delegate. Dump. Do. You don’t have to do everything. Delegate what you can delegate and let that person choose how they do it - yes really! I know that’s hard. Dump what doesn’t need to be done. Do what’s important.

5. Needless to say, giving out sweets and chocolate will give your children a sugar rush so you can reduce this by giving sweet things after savoury. The fat in the savoury food will reduce the sugar spike. Full fat milk, cheese or nuts are very effective. Ensuring they have exercise, such as a walk, kicking a ball around, going to the park, will help use up this excess energy.

6. Listen without judgement. Increased alcohol and the excitement and emotions of Christmas can lead us to say things we might not normally say and sometimes this can lead to arguments that could spoil an otherwise happy day as we get defensive. On such a day it really works better to just ‘let it go’ as they say in Frozen. Responses like “that’s interesting” or “that’s one way of looking at it” or something fairly neutral will deflect and reduce the impact.

7. Look to agree, look to say ‘yes’ wherever possible and walk away from conflict. I don’t mean ‘in a huff’ just find something that needs to be done in another room and take a few deep breaths. If you know EFT tapping, use that, have a ‘mindful moment’ or get some fresh air.

I’m not sure if any of these suggestions is useful for you and I’d love you to add your own ideas that have worked for you, in the comments below.